I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
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me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
definitely did not do anything wrong
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.