I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
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Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I only eat vegetarians.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef