I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
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My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28