Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
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“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?