I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
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I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
The Struggle
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
😎 🍻
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.