I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

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The guy behind me at the grocery store only had energy drinks, root beer & gummie lifesavers, so I asked how far into assassins creed he was


My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.


Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.


CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No


My son loves lizard facts but he can’t quite say ‘lizard’ so he randomly makes statements like “Wizards protect themselves with camouflage”.


Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.


DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?


If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.


Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂


And the Best McDonald’s Employee of the Month goes to Mad Max: Fury Road.