I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
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*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
(by @ZachWeiner )
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*