@D2BMcG

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

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@Eightinchgoat

My neighbor seriously just asked me, “Does Canada have 4th of July?”

I said “No, they skip from the 3rd to the 5th, eh?

I need to move.

@NewDadNotes

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

@AlexAndersonMD

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

@5hael

How long do you have to wait between naps?

@TheCatWhisprer

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

@EJGomez

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

@TheAlexNevil

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

@13spencer

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

@jordan_stratton

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.