@D2BMcG

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

You Might Also Like

@myles_morrison

The guy behind me at the grocery store only had energy drinks, root beer & gummie lifesavers, so I asked how far into assassins creed he was

@lisasopinions

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

@mattZillaaaa

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

@iamspacegirl

My son loves lizard facts but he can’t quite say ‘lizard’ so he randomly makes statements like “Wizards protect themselves with camouflage”.

@MikeMcNeil_

Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

@tokyo_sexwhale

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

@Try2StopME

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

@sammyrhodes

And the Best McDonald’s Employee of the Month goes to Mad Max: Fury Road.