My neighbor seriously just asked me, “Does Canada have 4th of July?”
I said “No, they skip from the 3rd to the 5th, eh?
I need to move.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
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God: i’m sorry the answers no.
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
How long do you have to wait between naps?
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.