I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
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FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving