I’m just going to cut out the middle man and start cashing my paychecks at the liquor store.

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Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.


BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement


when he dropped the ball it was like “this is getting good”
(shadowtheaussie IG)


No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.


You mean the world to me.

Wife: You’re talking to the tacos aren’t you?

This is correct.


When I’m at a friend’s house & there are snacks, all I’m thinking is “How do I eat everything without looking like a homeless person?”


INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*


An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.


Just asked someone I thought was Gary Busey for an autograph.

She was not happy.


She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.