asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I’m just going to cut out the middle man and start cashing my paychecks at the liquor store.
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me: I can’t sleep
her: count some sheep
me [1647 sheep later]: this is bullshit
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear
ME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Girls with pigtails really freak me out, i cant help wondering what they did with the rest of the pig
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.