@kwirkyKerri

I’m just going to cut out the middle man and start cashing my paychecks at the liquor store.

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@suecorvette

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.

@Rollmaninoz

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

@humorandanimals

when he dropped the ball it was like “this is getting good”
(shadowtheaussie IG)

@shariv67

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

@senorlumpy

You mean the world to me.

Wife: You’re talking to the tacos aren’t you?

This is correct.

@KKAlThani

When I’m at a friend’s house & there are snacks, all I’m thinking is “How do I eat everything without looking like a homeless person?”

@Home_Halfway

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

@Rollinintheseat

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

@gruffybeard

Just asked someone I thought was Gary Busey for an autograph.

She was not happy.

@Marcmywords2

Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.