{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
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Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”