@kwirkyKerri

I’m just going to cut out the middle man and start cashing my paychecks at the liquor store.

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@Rachel_Sennott

asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”

@369ffs

me: I can’t sleep

her: count some sheep

me [1647 sheep later]: this is bullshit

@Jake_Vig

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

@AlisonChrista

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

@sonictyrant

Girls with pigtails really freak me out, i cant help wondering what they did with the rest of the pig

@E_lok44

The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.

@tastefactory

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.

@DannyZuker

Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”

@iinkedZombie

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.