I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
You Might Also Like
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Go girl power!