My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
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[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.