My wife nominated me to do the ice bucket challenge. I’m a little confused.
Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time?
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
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Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
‘miss, it says here that your debt is outstanding’
oh yeah? well i think your debt is pretty cool too
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
*thinks happy thoughts*
*throws pixie dust in your eyes*
*flies off with all your money*