“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
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him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Love this one 😂🧟
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*