I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
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IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
had to make it
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.