I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Brilliant!
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack