I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

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any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time


The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.


ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.


Leviticus 20:13 legalises gay marriage and marijuana:

“If a man lays with another man he should be stoned”.


Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.


The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.



4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill


SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.