I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
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Bringing home a sharpie
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home