I’m just grateful that I don’t have to draw on my eyebrows everyday because I would totally forget to do that.

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fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha


[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand


Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep


[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet


Someone needs to tell drug sniffing dogs about the whole “man’s best friend” thing.


Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.


Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.


When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.


A friend was telling me about quantum mechanics and I told her how I hate it when the safety seal on ketchup leaves that clear film behind.


me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one


If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?