@cjcapbt

I’m just like Bob Marley but not black or Jamaican or talented or dead but my hair gets tangly .

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@Robinbuble

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

@tiffistrying

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

@P1ssed_K1d

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

@Browtweaten

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

@GianDoh

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.