If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
I’m just like Bob Marley but not black or Jamaican or talented or dead but my hair gets tangly .
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when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Make it a Great Friday by not getting nailed to a cross.