I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
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Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids