@MollyRingwraith

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

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@ComedicBust

Fellas, don’t waste your time. Memorizing the lyrics to Gangnam Style hasn’t gotten me laid once.

@AristotlesNZ

5yo: Dad! Dad! Wake up!
Me: What? What’s wrong?
5yo: You said last night you need to be up by 7..
Me: It’s 4am!
5yo: I can’t tell time..

@MelvinofYork

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

@living_marble

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

@carlyken

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

@MCaparco

Jesus??? Nah, Vishnu is my copilot…he’s got like 4 arms.

@SuchaDumbWorld

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

@Jtweeters

If you love someone, set them free. If they return… something, something, Justin Bieber’s a lesbian.

@IndecisiveJones

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

@AntiJokeJamal

A lion walks into a bar.

Several people get up and leave predicting the impending danger at hand.