I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

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If I pick you up hitchhiking and you haven’t murdered me in the first 25 miles, that’s the end of the free ride, bud.


A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀


Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.

Santa: yes.

Me: put them together?

Santa: yep.

Me: wrap them up?

Santa: that’s right.

Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?



Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.


I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.


So I had a wedding in my Calendar for this Saturday and I was very stressed out because I didn’t know whose it was and I was afraid I was going to miss it. Then I realized that it was part of my 20 year plan and I set it like 5 years ago. It’s my wedding, I’m missing my wedding.


Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.


When the mosquito landed on my face, it was one of the easier decisions of the day for my wife.


A jury of my peers would just be 12 people who hate that they had to get up before noon.


If I ever got stranded on an island, I could totally use the glare that bounces off the whiteness of my legs to signal for help.


At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next