@MollyRingwraith

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

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@_steamy_mac

If I pick you up hitchhiking and you haven’t murdered me in the first 25 miles, that’s the end of the free ride, bud.

@krustythe_klown

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

@NewDadNotes

Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.

Santa: yes.

Me: put them together?

Santa: yep.

Me: wrap them up?

Santa: that’s right.

Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?

Santa:

Me:

Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.

@charstarlene

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

@thunt59

So I had a wedding in my Calendar for this Saturday and I was very stressed out because I didn’t know whose it was and I was afraid I was going to miss it. Then I realized that it was part of my 20 year plan and I set it like 5 years ago. It’s my wedding, I’m missing my wedding.

@JimmerThatisAll

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

@WAYNES_O

When the mosquito landed on my face, it was one of the easier decisions of the day for my wife.

@underchilde

A jury of my peers would just be 12 people who hate that they had to get up before noon.

@turtledumplin

If I ever got stranded on an island, I could totally use the glare that bounces off the whiteness of my legs to signal for help.

@fuckfrrankk

At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next