I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

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huge congratulations to my cat who I recently learned knows how to turn on my gas range stove while we’re all asleep


HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.


Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”


Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.


If I ever meet someone who’s been in a coma since 2004, I’m trying to sell them a USB drive for $150.


Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”


Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.


Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic


I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.