I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

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Fellas, don’t waste your time. Memorizing the lyrics to Gangnam Style hasn’t gotten me laid once.


5yo: Dad! Dad! Wake up!
Me: What? What’s wrong?
5yo: You said last night you need to be up by 7..
Me: It’s 4am!
5yo: I can’t tell time..


My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.


Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!


Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.


Jesus??? Nah, Vishnu is my copilot…he’s got like 4 arms.


To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.


If you love someone, set them free. If they return… something, something, Justin Bieber’s a lesbian.


gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious


A lion walks into a bar.

Several people get up and leave predicting the impending danger at hand.