I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
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How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
The Punning Dead.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
WTF
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.