When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
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I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.