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My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.