911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
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Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
somebody come look at this
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.