I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
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Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I hate everything
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?