I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

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I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.


i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them


A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.


What do we want?

When do we want them?


I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”


The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”


I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.


friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally


*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”


Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe