I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
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Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps