I’m just playing devils avocado here
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me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.