@MrGeorgeWallace

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

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@itsliz_bitch

Admitted I’d gained a few pounds recently. Husband said he’d start moo’ing at me again if it would help. His services are Thursday at 2 if anyone wants to attend.

@seamussaid

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

@team_daddy

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

@TheRobCee

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

@Parentpains

“She must be shy” is probably what I say to myself the most when a woman abruptly moves across the country after talking to me.

@RobinMcCauley

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

@ThugRaccoons

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back