@MrGeorgeWallace

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

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@Mr_Kapowski

Real Estate Agent: Do you want to look at the model homes?

Me: I’m flattered you think I’m a model but I’ll just look at the regular homes

@Ygrene

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

@FrazzleMyGimp

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

@squirrel74wkgn

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

@MichaelTrying

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

@mrtiredeyes

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

@CulturedRuffian

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

@patnspankme

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

@caperbc75

First off I want to commend you for taking part in credit counselling. Now, under assets you wrote “like an onion”. Can you clarify?

@JohnLyonTweets

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

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