I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
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Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.