I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
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Cinderella taught girls that it’s ok if a guy has no idea what you look like as long as he’s a prince.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
12013 B.C.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing
2013 A.D.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO