@3sunzzz

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

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@youngscrap

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

@TheMichaelRock

Cinderella taught girls that it’s ok if a guy has no idea what you look like as long as he’s a prince.

@TheAlexNevil

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

@junejuly12

[In a meeting]

Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.

Liz: *glares*

Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.

@AdamOfEarth

12013 B.C.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing

2013 A.D.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing

@TeaAndCopy

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

@LoveNLunchmeat

Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.

@teeaysmith

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

@Reverend_Scott

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO