I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
You Might Also Like
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee