@3sunzzz
@youngscrap
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
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@youngscrap
@TheMichaelRock
Cinderella taught girls that it’s ok if a guy has no idea what you look like as long as he’s a prince.
@TheAlexNevil
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
@junejuly12
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
@AdamOfEarth
12013 B.C.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing
2013 A.D.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing
@TeaAndCopy
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
@LoveNLunchmeat
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
@teeaysmith
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
@ashleykiwi26
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
@Reverend_Scott
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO