@3sunzzz
@TitansHomer
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
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@TitansHomer
@brookeperrin
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
@lizetagge
Before. b-e-f-o-r-e, not B4. We speak English, Not bingo…
@wickedsuga
Him: I just want a stable relationship.
Me: Yeah, horses are cool.
Him: ……..Flirting is hard, you guys.
@hippieswordfish
joe: siri address me as poopyhead
siri: okay poopyhead
*obama enters*
barack: joe have you seen my phone?
joe: yep here
*runs away giggling*
@BoogTweets
If you donโt have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
@Storminika
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
@HatfieldAnne
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
@BeerOholic
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
@flashember
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”