@3sunzzz

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

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@TitansHomer

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

@lizetagge

Before. b-e-f-o-r-e, not B4. We speak English, Not bingo…

@wickedsuga

Him: I just want a stable relationship.
Me: Yeah, horses are cool.
Him: ……..

Flirting is hard, you guys.

@hippieswordfish

joe: siri address me as poopyhead
siri: okay poopyhead
*obama enters*
barack: joe have you seen my phone?
joe: yep here
*runs away giggling*

@BoogTweets

If you donโ€™t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

@Storminika

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

@HatfieldAnne

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

@BeerOholic

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

@flashember

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”