I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*


Before. b-e-f-o-r-e, not B4. We speak English, Not bingo…


Him: I just want a stable relationship.
Me: Yeah, horses are cool.
Him: ……..

Flirting is hard, you guys.


joe: siri address me as poopyhead
siri: okay poopyhead
*obama enters*
barack: joe have you seen my phone?
joe: yep here
*runs away giggling*


If you donโ€™t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems


You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?


Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.


Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt


[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”