@3sunzzz

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

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@Cidisn

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

@VisionBored1

[on the phone with my mom]

Me: I think we should get a dog. I really think it would be good to have someone to shower with love and affection right now

Husband: I AM SITTING RIGHT HERE

@Marcmywords2

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

@SissiSay

Psychiatrists say girls tend to marry men like their fathers. That is probably the reason mothers cry at weddings.

@PimpBillClinton

Ladies, don’t tell me you care about the environment if you don’t support my “Share a Shower” water conservation program.

@PantsDonkey

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

@Gupton68

Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.

@stevevsninjas

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish