I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

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*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*


[on the phone with my mom]

Me: I think we should get a dog. I really think it would be good to have someone to shower with love and affection right now



Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.


Psychiatrists say girls tend to marry men like their fathers. That is probably the reason mothers cry at weddings.


Ladies, don’t tell me you care about the environment if you don’t support my “Share a Shower” water conservation program.


Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.


Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.


Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*


[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish