*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
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[on the phone with my mom]
Me: I think we should get a dog. I really think it would be good to have someone to shower with love and affection right now
Husband: I AM SITTING RIGHT HERE
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Psychiatrists say girls tend to marry men like their fathers. That is probably the reason mothers cry at weddings.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Ladies, don’t tell me you care about the environment if you don’t support my “Share a Shower” water conservation program.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish