I’m just saying, if I were a bomb maker, I would make all the wires the same color.

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What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.


My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.


Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.


I drink Coca-Cola to help clean off all of the pennies in my stomach


[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah


*bites into tuba sandwich and breaks teeth* damn autocorrect


[ordering cous cous] just the one cous for me thanks


Past elections: Which candidate will most improve our country?

2016 election: Which candidate is least likely to start The Purge?


89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.