[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
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Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Was it something I said?
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.