Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
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waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”