They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I’m just saying, if I were a bomb maker, I would make all the wires the same color.
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Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
getting real tired of hearing opinions on murder from people outside the murderer community
Me: I didn’t get anything this year. Do you think Santa’s magic…is running out?
Wife: Santa isn’t real
Me: Don’t lie to save my feelings
My 3yo: Help I dropped a coin in the toilet come and get it out.
Me (looks): I can’t see anything in there.
3: That’s because I flushed.
Me: Can I bet $20 on the Panthers to win the Super Bowl?
Government: Sorry, no
Me: Ok, can I buy 1k in powerball tickets?
G: Lol, of course
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.