@ManvAlcohol

I’m just saying, if I were a bomb maker, I would make all the wires the same color.

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@Ciara_Knight

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

@NamestartswithZ

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

@dxblarssonENG

It’s weird how all the UFOs started disappearing once our cameras got better.

@thefosterer

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

@__candypants

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

@ktmcburr

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

@JaySaysStuff

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

@ThaJawn

To whoever hacked all the Yahoo accounts, please email me my Myspace login info. It’s in there somewhere…