I’m just saying, if I were a bomb maker, I would make all the wires the same color.

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They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.


Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.


getting real tired of hearing opinions on murder from people outside the murderer community


Me: I didn’t get anything this year. Do you think Santa’s magic…is running out?

Wife: Santa isn’t real

Me: Don’t lie to save my feelings


My 3yo: Help I dropped a coin in the toilet come and get it out.

Me (looks): I can’t see anything in there.

3: That’s because I flushed.


Me: Can I bet $20 on the Panthers to win the Super Bowl?
Government: Sorry, no
Me: Ok, can I buy 1k in powerball tickets?
G: Lol, of course


Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year


My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.


My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.


I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.