@ManvAlcohol

I’m just saying, if I were a bomb maker, I would make all the wires the same color.

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@Love_bug1016

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

@lisaxy424

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

@Gott_Partikel

Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.

@chestrovert

I drink Coca-Cola to help clean off all of the pennies in my stomach

@murrman5

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

@trojansauce

*bites into tuba sandwich and breaks teeth* damn autocorrect

@parsfarce

[ordering cous cous] just the one cous for me thanks

@robfee

Past elections: Which candidate will most improve our country?

2016 election: Which candidate is least likely to start The Purge?

@Love_bug1016

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.