Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I’m just saying, if I were a bomb maker, I would make all the wires the same color.
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And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
It’s weird how all the UFOs started disappearing once our cameras got better.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
To whoever hacked all the Yahoo accounts, please email me my Myspace login info. It’s in there somewhere…