What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I’m just saying, if I were a bomb maker, I would make all the wires the same color.
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My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I drink Coca-Cola to help clean off all of the pennies in my stomach
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
*bites into tuba sandwich and breaks teeth* damn autocorrect
[ordering cous cous] just the one cous for me thanks
Past elections: Which candidate will most improve our country?
2016 election: Which candidate is least likely to start The Purge?
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.