If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
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Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager