@KevinBuffalo

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ??

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@KeetPotato

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

@MNateShyamalan

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

@WilliamAder

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

@thelmaopong

Remember you are someone’s reason to smile.

Because you are a joke.

@CraigChamberlin

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.

@PhilJamesson

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

@KalvinMacleod

Dave is coming over.
Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?
Outside: THIS RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING.

@loribuckmajor

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

@sofarrsogud

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.