I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
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Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
What the hell happened in there??