I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
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I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Fiction has to make sense.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.