I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
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“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?