I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
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Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
he was correct
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.