I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
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[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
#StillHurts
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED