@VaguelyFunnyDan

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

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@NinsunG

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

@HollyMemphis

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

@weinerdog4life

If everyone would stop screaming, I’m sure we’d all agree I’m not supposed to be in this women’s restroom.

@Home_Halfway

ME: I’d like to be your quarterback

MANAGER: This is a Dominos

ME: The sign said “Hiring All Positions”

MANAGER: [pauses for a moment, then takes out a Jersey from his desk] Touché

@mister_blank

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

@rachelle_mandik

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

@TheAndrewNadeau

GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

@Hurly_Burly

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

@Parkerlawyer

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

@krisv_723

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.