I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Isn’t that illegal?
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
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Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
If everyone would stop screaming, I’m sure we’d all agree I’m not supposed to be in this women’s restroom.
ME: I’d like to be your quarterback
MANAGER: This is a Dominos
ME: The sign said “Hiring All Positions”
MANAGER: [pauses for a moment, then takes out a Jersey from his desk] Touché
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.