“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
You Might Also Like
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
NASA has no chill
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?