I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

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I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”


So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”


CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

ME: for like important stuff i guess

CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs

ME: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

ME: she did what


Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”


Girls are like math problems. If they are under 18, its best you do them in your head


History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”


All I want from a woman is for her to hold my hand, look into my eyes, and tell me it’s ok to get out of her bushes.



Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word


Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things