@AimeeHelene1

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

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@1followernodad

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

@Hormonella

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”

@clichedout

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

ME: for like important stuff i guess

CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs

ME: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

ME: she did what

@robdelaney

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

@CarolinaSong

Girls are like math problems. If they are under 18, its best you do them in your head

@GinRumMe

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

@CoopSoSarc

All I want from a woman is for her to hold my hand, look into my eyes, and tell me it’s ok to get out of her bushes.

@aotakeo

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

@JediGigi

Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things