@AimeeHelene1

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

- @AimeeHelene1

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@Mr_Kapowski

I’m that guy who plays Pictionary and draws the shittiest representation of the clue and spends the entire time circling it at various speed

@simoncholland

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

@hazelmotes1

“I missed you so much!” I shout as I run past my wife’s open arms and jump into my bed.

@NikiWithIssues

Dad: Let’s talk, we never talk.
Me: Okay. I kinda wanna tell you something…
Dad: You can tell me anything.
Me: I’m Batman.
Dad: Get out.

@darksidedeb

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

@shutupmikeginn

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

@Xoolun

Cops: Jay X?

Me: Yes.

Cops: Your dog has been reported to have chased someone on a bike.

Me: Thats bullshit my dog doesnt have a bike.

@deloriumforsale

I hope the guy who named the “walkie talkie” called his home phone “standie talkie” and his toilet “sittie shitty”.