I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

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Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”


Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice


To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.


On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes


date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no


She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started


*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*


As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”


You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.


To people calling themselves “Grammar Nazis”: you’re not correcting grammar so much as punctuation or spelling. Hi, I’m a Nomenclature Nazi.