I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
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I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”