I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
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“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine