Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
I’m keeping a greater distance behind this truck with a vanity plate that reads “IMTEXAN” than I do behind cars with “Baby on board” signs.
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Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
The Girl with the Hot Dog Tattoo
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
[day 1 of covid homeschooling]
me: alright, it says we have to do some-
8yo: *bursts into tears*
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I shaved my beard at my wife’s request and she is now coming to terms with having married a chubby nine-year-old.
Found out last night my safe word is “HEY!Hey.Hey!HEY!”