“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
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“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
getting corrected
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.