@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’m keeping a greater distance behind this truck with a vanity plate that reads “IMTEXAN” than I do behind cars with “Baby on board” signs.

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@StarWarsProblms

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

@WheelTod

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

@Home_Halfway

Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant

@david8hughes

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

@IndecisiveJones

[day 1 of covid homeschooling]

me: alright, it says we have to do some-

8yo: *bursts into tears*

@Jandalize

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

@thehubrispanda

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

@MrGirlDad

I shaved my beard at my wife’s request and she is now coming to terms with having married a chubby nine-year-old.