I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
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My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
They grow up so quick
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.