I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
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when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
*pronounces woah like Noah*
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.