@MAngelo505

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

You Might Also Like

@TheMichaelRock

It’s sad that we live in a world where we’ll add a word to the dictionary if stupid people use it enough.

@AbbyHasIssues

An old guy at the gym told me I looked like his late wife. I’m hoping he meant while she was alive.

@BlindChow

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

@envydatropic

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

@RobbyActually

The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”

@JeffKasanoff

Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to

@smiles_and_nods

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

@RandomAntics

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.