I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

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It’s sad that we live in a world where we’ll add a word to the dictionary if stupid people use it enough.


An old guy at the gym told me I looked like his late wife. I’m hoping he meant while she was alive.


[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend


You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside


The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”


Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to


I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.


as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.