aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
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My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”