I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
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i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Good boy 😂😂
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD