I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
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Awesome parenting 😂
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.