@Storminika

I’m lazy, though. I get down to my last outfit before washin anything. You’ll see me at a bar with a wedding dress on, just chilling.

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@skullpuppy11

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

@Sickayduh

My girlfriend has twin 3yo girls. They each have a sippy cup with their names on them. When she’s not looking, I switch the cups.

@UncleDuke1969

HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”

@sarcasticmommy4

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

@ErikGators

Why does my wife think its weird I talk to a bunch of strangers on the Internet, but it’s ok for her to talk to multiple cats.

@doublewenis

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

@birbigs

if aliens show up and they’re nice, we’ll take them captive. and if they’re mean, they’ll take us captive. anyway, happy thanksgiving.

@Parkerlawyer

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.