I’m lazy, though. I get down to my last outfit before washin anything. You’ll see me at a bar with a wedding dress on, just chilling.

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My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.


My girlfriend has twin 3yo girls. They each have a sippy cup with their names on them. When she’s not looking, I switch the cups.


HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”


Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.


Why does my wife think its weird I talk to a bunch of strangers on the Internet, but it’s ok for her to talk to multiple cats.


Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.


if aliens show up and they’re nice, we’ll take them captive. and if they’re mean, they’ll take us captive. anyway, happy thanksgiving.


My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.