I’m leaving my body to science but only if they can find it.

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My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS


[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]


In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.


My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth


My suit made entirely of Hello Kitty Bandaids did not help me much at my hospital interview. Apparently you have to go to medical school.


People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that?

Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.


aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out


[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo


Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.