@Hobo_Splendido

I’m leaving my body to science but only if they can find it.

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@UnFitz

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

@Snarfernini

Brain: HEY 2am let’s think about Greg
Me: Ok
Brain: He saw you scratching your nose today & thinks you picked it
Me: Wa…what?
Brain: Owned

@SteveKoehler22

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

@ReelQuinn

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.

Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.

@FSUSteve

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

@kimlockhartga

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.