“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
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Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.