I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
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Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor