I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
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Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Generation gap…
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u