“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
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>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”