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My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:9:”SCBamaMan”;s:5:”image”;s:90:””;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”347903923488690180″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”65″;s:5:”tweet”;s:101:”*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me: I spy something adopted.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}


You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.


“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.


I took 1000 photos of water vapor & uploaded them to the Cloud. Now we wait.


Honey, look what I found on our son’s computer *opens folder of walkthroughs, wife starts sobbing* I’m calling the police


[dad training]
TRAINER: im hungry
ME: ok lets ea-
TRAINER: [stares]
ME: i mean-hey hungry im dad


Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*


update: the light went out in my fridge so i had to eat everything so it wouldn’t get scared


20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.