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[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.