You Might Also Like

@lasergirl70

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:9:”SCBamaMan”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3664939858/aebdc51cccec378baf7466d1a3ee10fb_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”347903923488690180″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”65″;s:5:”tweet”;s:101:”*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@Ms_Moneypenny_

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

@SteveSuckington

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

@RickAaron

I took 1000 photos of water vapor & uploaded them to the Cloud. Now we wait.

@briangaar

Honey, look what I found on our son’s computer *opens folder of walkthroughs, wife starts sobbing* I’m calling the police

@yayraptor

[dad training]
TRAINER: im hungry
ME: ok lets ea-
TRAINER: [stares]
ME: i mean-hey hungry im dad

@AimeeHelene1

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

@AminaMarx

update: the light went out in my fridge so i had to eat everything so it wouldn’t get scared

@ericsshadow

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.